Wednesday 24 June 2015

Good Times, Bad Times

It's the good times I'm living in that make me realize how many bad times I've had. The bad times I've had help me frame the current good times as the joy they are.

When the only vegitables in my house are frozen, and the only fruit are slightly wrinkly apples, instead of recognising it's time for grocery shopping, things feel normal. I haven't completely broken out of old mindsets. Having a salad for dinner filled with a variety of leafy greens, vegies, berries, plus nuts, seeds, and cheese can be done on a fairly regular basis, yet it feels decadent.

Obviously finances and therefore nutrition have improved now that I'm not supporting a man who eats twice what I do. But there's also been an overall improvement in my social and family life since I decided that I wouldn't let toxic people dictate anything.

Last night was what I'm sure is normal for a caring family... but sometimes it's the small things that touch me soo much. I hurt myself Sunday and so I'm having trouble walking or lifting heavy things. I had planned to take the bus to Canadian Tire after work because they're the only one that carries our awesome litter.(seriously awesome, check it out) Then I was going to haul the 9kg(20lb) bag with my good arm all the way across to parking lot back to the bus stop, and then two blocks from the other bus stop to home. This is no big deal usually... but after work I was just so worn out and my shoulder was aching...

Hugslut has told me not to be afraid to ask if I need anything (especially if it means she gets to drive) so I texted to ask her if she could please pick up cat litter on her way home from work. She did so sweetly without any "well if you really need me to" guilt piled on. When she brought it to my place, my mom insisted on being the one to refil the litterbox telling me it was not a problem for her, but I was injured and wouldn't get better if I agravated the injuries.

I was really touched by their help and I couldn't figure out why for a bit. It's not like they did anything big or dramatic... but the fact that I thought of Hugslut's actions in the frame of not doing the guilt trip stuff she's NEVER done I realized the issue.

I've done everything by myself for so long because I was dating parasites.

It's a long hard road to unlearn the lesons drilled into me by years of abuse, but I'm starting to trust my loved ones to love me the way I love them. Giving with the only payment being making a loved one's life easier/happer/better.

It's time I took the advice I gave Hugslut not to long ago, "Breathe easy. We can tackle everything together."

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